FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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