drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
