High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
