Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
