Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
