watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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