I have demons in me.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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