I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
