You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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