I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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