I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
