I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He passed out mid-signature
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
