dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
