his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
