I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
