he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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