I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
