i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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