well I can't set my house on fire every night
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
how drunk are you?
Several
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
