Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Boobs are out for the taking
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
