is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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