Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
