Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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