You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize