I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
