She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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