Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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