After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
