i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize