i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
