Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
