You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
