Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
