Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
