that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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