called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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