ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
