allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
