ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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