there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
