i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Less talking, more tequila
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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