Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
