I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
