Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
