My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
