um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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