he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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