3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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