I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
