When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
