He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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