Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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