I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
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