Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
