If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
