Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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