if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize