Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
