I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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