I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize