I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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