I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize