I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
