I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
