I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Porn is love you can see.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
