Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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