Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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