Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
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