Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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