Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
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